Simple Math

-Because it is late on Sunday.  9:00 pm is late when you pass out by 9:30 pm.

-Because I have a long week ahead of me helping Dave to prepare for a 3 hr. presentation on Sunday.  (Lord help me!)

-Because Calla's homework this week was so hard, I think it was secretly replaced with that of a 4th grader. Seriously since when are Kindergarteners supposed to add 15 numbers in one row to equal 86?  All of the homework thus far has been, 2 + 2 = 4.  Not 7+7+8+4+6+3+9+......I wish I was kidding.  We had to get out the calculator to check it, because there were so many numbers to just add it in my head.  I am however glad she can count that high, because next week she gets to learn how to balance Mommy's checkbook for extra credit.  No need to go any higher, we went to Target 3 different times this week for various medicines, bananas, gummy bears, running knickers, diapers, and such.  You know, the important stuff.  So there isn't much in there to balance.

-Because Dave made me do fractions and blueprint measurement take offs for an estimate this week.  Did I mention I have an Art History degree?  I rock at Jeopardy especially when buzzed on suds.  I do not rock at adding fractions and converting them into liner feet and square feet to build a retaining wall.

Here is your story problem for the week.  I promise it doesn't involve getting the UPS man from one side of the town to the other in the shortest amount of time possible while making only left hand turns and stopping to pee and grab a Slurpee at 7-11 only once.   Actually now that I think about it, if you add in 2 kids, their 2 schools in 2 different cities, the accountants office, and an additional Starbucks trip, that pretty much resembles my day tomorrow.  Mmmm..... Slurpees.   Are you ready?

3 pounds of Gummy Bears

Minus 1 Pound of Gummy Bears

Equals 2 Guilty Dingo Dogs 

See....Now that wasn't hard was it.

Nighty Night

Que Possum?

I hate show and tell. 

I have decided it is yet another thing the teacher can use to judge what kind of parent you are like.  Seriously, I know I am a whack a doodle, and this is yet another reason why I have the utmost respect for teachers and could never be one of them.  Now I know she probably doesn't do this, and I have no idea why I even care, but it is one of those, "well the thought did cross my mind," kind of things.  

Our show and tell is based on whatever letter they happen to be learning how to write that week.  For instance, if the letter is A, and you bring in an apple or an astronaut, my theory would be you must be a healthy / knowledgeable family who eats no preservatives, hormones, or nitrates, and only lets their kids watch PBS and the Discovery Channel.  Most days of the week I usually don't have any trouble finding crap for show and tell.  I try and go above and beyond to be creative.  That way we aren't bringing in a stuffed animal / toy every week, and or we at least have something different from the other kids.  When they learned the letter "C," I figured everyone was bringing in a car.  So Calla brought in coffee.   

Last week was brought to us by the letter "O."  She of course tells me this 10 min. before we have to walk out the door in the morning to go to school, on the day it is due.  Oh yeah.....She forgot.  Well, what the hell am I supposed to dig up for the letter "O" that quick.  Options that ran through my mind.  Orange?  No... everyone will be bringing that.  1/2 an Onion rotting in the fridge?  Too stinky.  An O.B. Tampon?  Yeah... not sure how to explain that one.  That no applicator thing is kind of tricky.  But at least it fit in the bag per the requirements.  I looked down and saw Chui's old Opossum dog toy sitting in the toy bin.  After a lengthly explanation as to how everyone would think she was so smucking fart for telling them it actually started with the letter "O," and not "P," she was convinced.  So off she skipped with an Opossum, oversized looking rat, chewed up dog toy in her bag.  

Lord only knows what the teacher thought.  Because I can never get a straight answer from Calla at the end of the day as to what she did all damn day, or even how things went.  So I am not sure if the teacher actually thought, "how clever," or "My God, I know they said they lived in the country, and were from back East but what's next??? Kudzu for "K," or Moonshine for "M?" 

So there ya go.  Gotta go make dinner before I drag my sorry butt to Ballet this evening.  Hopefully my ass will be able to walk tomorrow.  By the way, just so you know, I did think about making chicken and dumplings. ;) 

Lion and tigers and birthdays oh my!

So we celebrated India's birthday on Sunday.  We kept things quiet with just a few family members which was just fine for us.  Ok, I say this out loud but what I am actually thinking in my head is, "Yes!!!! We escaped not having to have a big hoopla with coordinated gift bags and admission fees to some bacteria filled place of snot and merriment that kids love to have birthday parties at these days."

Our choices growing up in Texas were the back of a McDonalds, someones backyard, the park, or the Roller Rink.  Now it is crazy all of the options kids have.  Amusement parks, mini golf, jumpy places, elaborate oversized gerbil play structures, stuff an animal, and even cooking schools.  (Ok, so I kind of secretly like the cooking school concept.  Any place that teaches my kid how to roll sushi so I don't have to on somebody else's dime and floor is just fine with me.)

I know eventually I am going to have to suck it up and do something here in the next month or 2, because Calla now has school friends, and I am not sure quite yet how I am supposed to deal with it.  The reasonable side of me who realizes she lives in a 900 sq. ft. house in the country nowhere near these kids and their parents, says, "Have the party away from your house, where the hell are you going to put all of them anyway?"  The unreasonable part of me who had sour gummy worms and Red Bull today says, "Crap I better start looking on Pinterest for theme ideas now, and if we have nice weather we can do this outside, and I can order decorations from Etsy, and we can make cupcakes, and we can borrow some animals from a friend and we can have a petting zoo in the front yard, and and and...."  My inner Martha demon takes over and off we go.  I'll keep you posted.

Moving back to India.  (The small child, not the large country.)  There were balloons, and an Elmo theme.  When I say theme, we got her 1 Elmo balloon and an Elmo cake with some matching plates and napkins. She wore an Elmo t shirt and we called it good.  Because I know next week she will probably hate Elmo, and move on to Dora or who ever is next in line.  I can't remember.

My Mom and Calla before the party.

My Dad babysitting the Elmo balloon, because God forbid something happen to the Elmo balloon.  (We didn't drug Rusty, he was good...sort of.)

Mattie resting her twat.  No not on the cheap Target pillows.  The Pottery Barn ones of course.

Dave's mom and sister came over as well, but sadly I didn't snap any photos of them.  Everyone else related was at the Bronco game getting their Tebow on.  

"Come on now give me the damn balloon it's my party."

  

"Let's light this bad boy up."

"Um, y'all.... I'm 2 wtf am I supposed to do now cause you lit my cake on fire?" 

Rusty: "I smell cake, just blow out the stinkin candles already so I can eat the CAKE!"

That pretty much sums up the obligatory birthday pics.  Off to crawl into bed because 7 degrees is cold and I am tired.  

Check back in soon.  I have stories about opossums and pointe shoes, but not necessarily together.  

XOXO

The long and winding road

First off I wanted to say WELCOME to any new readers that have come to witness the madness happening here,  and offer a huge THANKS to Kristen Lamb and Ingrid Schaffenburg for pimpin my lil ol' bloggity blog.

Yesterday started off busy.  Since the weather has been somewhat warm, we have been busy with work.  I guess if it isn't going to snow we might as well landscape.  After I picked up the small child named after a large country, I decided it was just too pretty to stay inside, and should make good on some New Years resolutions.  So I hitched up the Dipshit Dingo Dog (aka Rusty or the Twit) to the BOB stroller via the giant mom caribener that is meant to hold shopping bags and tip over the stroller and an extra hot grande mocha at a moments notice when your 2 yr. old decides she wants out NOW, because she has to play with that damn Disney Princess plastic camera 1 million other kids have licked at the checkout line, and headed off down the long and winding road towards the Rockies.

It looks innocent enough, but that hill at the end was a bugger.

He looks innocent enough too, but he is also a bugger.  

After we got home we noticed the "Twat" had some issues literally with her twat.  Poor Mattie looked like she had 2 twats.  I'll spare you the details, and the picture.  So off to the Gyno we went to have the Vet look at her lady bits.

 

She looks just thrilled doesn't she?

In the meantime, I left Dave and the "Twit" at home, all tuckered out from his jaunt down the road, to deal with getting more then just a pint of blueberries in both the girls for dinner.  So it was just Mattie, her two twats and I all alone and driving in complete peace and quiet.  It was like a girls night out without kids.  Damn!  We should have stopped for Frozen Yogurt or a Mojito.

Anywhoo, we got to the Vet, and she decided Mattie had an abscessed anal sac that is now coming out through the skin.  In other words, she had a boil on her bum.  Lovely.  I am pretty sure I used the word anus and anal more then I ever had in my life yesterday during 6 and 7 pm.  So they whisked her away to the back, gave her a sedative, lucky bitch, shaved her bottom, and squeezed and cleaned her up.  I was never so happy to pay someone to do something in my life.

Meanwhile, in the waiting room I was having 3 conversations at the same time on my phone to keep myself occupied.  It was either the phone or some animal magazine explaining what certain parasites can do to a dog with graphic pictures.   Convo # 1 on FB with Ingrid explaining what I was doing and why we needed to eat tortilla soup.  Convo # 2 also on FB with Sonja trying to help her get rid of her Broncos playoff tickets, and Convo # 3 with Dave at home via text on how many blueberries is too much for a 25 lb. child to consume at once, and how to ripen kiwis like now.

Once we got Mattie home she was still a hot mess, (kind of like me returning home from the hospital after having both kids,) so we threw on a pair of Dave's boxers to keep the carpet, and dog beds clean.  They were perfect because they already had a hole for her tail. ;)

Thanks to the the long run for one and a sedative for the other, both "Twit" and "Twat" slept like a Nyquil commercial last night.

I am happy to report the 2nd twat is looking much better today, and it just looks like a sore.  As for India, well...... what goes in must come out.  Purple.

Happy weekend.  India turns 2 tomorrow, so pictures of that fun filled frosting adventure coming soon.

XOXO, Cara

Another one bites the dust

I am not going to attempt to recap 2011.  There really isn't any point (like my new attitude about things?)  All of the posts are on the right hand side, so if you missed something from last year and or would like to revisit it, then by all means pull up a bowl of popcorn and knock your socks off.

Moving on to 2012.  Hi 2012.  Like how I am updating this blog almost a week after?  Well....truth is I haven't been lazy, but we haven't had internet due to the high winds.  Today the Skybeam dude came out and told me the dish on my roof was pointing upward instead of down.  Ok, then.

I haven't ever been a huge fan of resolutions simply because I am really bad at keeping them.  If someone said, "I think you should make a resolution to eat gummy bears and popcorn daily," sure no problem.  (Wait, that isn't a resolution....that's my diet.)  This year though I thought I would jump on the bandwagon and attempt to set some realistic goals that even I can accomplish because they are so simple.  So without further adieu, my top 10 list of resolutions for 2012:

10. Win the HGTV Dream Home 2012 in Park City, Utah.
Ok, so I might as well throw in dinner with Robert Redford while I am out there too.  Seeing as I would have to sell my soul to the Devil to win that resolution.  Unfortunately Dave can't play the golden fiddle well enough to get me out of that deal.  But damn....wouldn't that house be nice?

9. Bathe the Dipshit Dingo Dog.
He stinks.  Nuff said.  Today he showed up outside the back door with an empty 20 lb. bag of Friskies cat food on his head.  We don't have a cat, so I am not sure what trash he was digging in.

8. Run and dance more.
I got this one in the bag, because I don't do either as much as I could right now, so anything I do is good.  I did attempt to put on some pointe shoes tonight after I talked to 2 friends today about pointe shoes and Sleeping Beauty auditions coming up.  Yeah, it wasn't pretty, even in the kitchen and especially on my bad ankle.  Unless Sleeping Beauty has a need for a wicked old hag named Ethel who lives deep in the woods amongst the woodland creatures and locks up small children, we won't be attempting to skip on pointe like Little Red Riding Hood.  We'll just put the memory of that roll back on it's dusty shelf and leave well enough alone.

7. Paint some trim inside the house.
Notice I didn't say the barn.  (Laughing to self)  Because, that is a lead paint can full of worms I don't want to open.  I am pretty sure it might be easier to learn how to yodel like Jewel instead.

6. Watch more movies.
This would be great.  If only my children would find a way to occupy themselves while I do this.  If only I could manage to stay up past 9 pm to finish it.  And before y'all suggest we watch it together like on big happy freakin family, I wasn't thinking of anything G-rated, animated, or involving a talking animal in a costume saving the world.  (By the way, Muppets don't count.)

5. Keep up with the dishes every night.
(Laughing to self harder this time)  I'll get right on that.

4. Snowboard more.
It was good to get up again last week after such a long hiatus despite the 80 mile an hour wind gusts that actually pushed me down the hill, and runs so icy they made me take a digger on a pinecone.  Let me just say a pinecone in the ass hurt like a bejesus.  (Go ahead and make your dirty jokes folks.)  I am pretty sure I peed a bit when I landed too, because snowboarding after 2 c-sections just isn't the same as my carefree college days.

3. Keep up with the laundry every week. 

(Laughing even harder out loud)

2. Buy only what I need.
This includes any unnecessary crap or clothing I don't need, because I should be able to make do with 20 pairs of black yoga pants that won't ever see the inside of a yoga studio right???  Notice I didn't involve the word Target in this resolution, because that would be impending doom from the start.

1. Lose some weight.
Ok, so I realize this is the most unrealistic goal out of them all, but it really is the most simple if you think about it.  I'll just eat less.  (Did I mention we ate at the Olive Garden tonight?  We won't talk about my breadstick tally before they brought out the Tiramisu.)  So if I am dancing, even my one class a week,  I should be eating like I was back the good ol' dance days?  No, not the Gelsey diet, because the only little blue pills I pop are Aleve, but a steady diet of Diet Red Bull, oranges, peas, rice, and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray Butter should do the trick.

And that's about it.  I am off to fulfill my daily clicking to register for the HGTV Dream Home Giveaway.  If anyone is headed to Utah soon, and they happen to run into Robert Redford while out and about, tell him I have dinner planned for the new house.  I hope he likes peas and rice! :)

Cara